Blame Jenova
by Evil Mina
Summary: Prudence is having trouble making her epic and tragic Aeriseph fanfic believable. So the cast of FF7 gives her advice on how to get around the obvious fact that Sephiroth is evil, to the tune of Blame Canada. Yes, a songfic. Run away.


A songfic…I vowed I would never, **ever** do one. I'm going to Fanfiction Hell. (Not exactly the most intelligent thing I've ever written; make fun of me if you want). Sort of a spin-off of something else I wrote.

Warning: I cannot make words rhyme for the life of me. Prepare to groan at some of the stupid verses.

Disclaimer: Neither FF7 nor "Blame Canada", a work of pure genius from _South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut_ (yes, I know what you're thinking), are mine.

An apology to Morrigan the Nightmare Queen. The intro of this is a bit similar to the intro of Official Fanfiction University of Final Fantasy, an awesome parody fic that was brutally murdered by the dictators that run this webs...um, I mean, removed.

**UPDATE:** This shouldn't be necessary, but just in case someone's a bit overzealous with reporting abuses: new site rules state that "some writers feel it's okay to copy-n-paste musical lyrics they have not written into their fiction. If you did not write it, do not post it." Notice that I didn't copy and paste any of the lines; the lyrics are my own. This is a parody of an existing song, and it is totally legal as parody falls under fair use according to copyright laws. Just a clarification: songfics aren't banned unless the lyrics are yanked directly from an existing song, and this fic is safe. I love loopholes.

* * *

Blame Jenova

Prudence Numbledinger sat at her computer, frustrated. She was hard at work on her passionate and romantic Aeriseph fanfic, but she had hit a mental block. She had spent ten chapters building up the tension between the two lovers. First she had shown their initial distrust of one another, and how much they had protested when the ancient Cetra gods had resurrected them and sent both of them back to Earth together on a mission to redeem themselves and stop the Next Sephiroth. Then she had added childish bickering interspersed with cutesy moments in which Aeris buys Sephiroth candy for the first time in his life and sexually-charged scenes of them accidentally catching each other in the shower. Now finally, they had admitted their true feelings for each other, and Sephiroth was ready to repent for his sins.

Prudence was impressed by her own subtlety. In the old days, they would have been making out with each other within two minutes of their first encounter. Yes, she had grown up since the days when she had written her first Aeris Resurrection Fic, and inserted flawless Mary-Sues with flowery names. She was no longer Jycellaemynthia; her new penname was Consuming Fire of Savage Agony and Woe and Corpses Rotting, and she now knew that you had to at least _pretend_ that your characters were not OOC at the outset, just to make your lust object's sudden change of spots all the more believable, and appear to be supported by canon.

But she had to finish a book report that had been due two weeks ago, and she was in a rush to get this chapter over with as soon as possible and milk it for reviews. And Prudence was running out of big words and impressive synonyms to use to show off her vocabulary. She tried to think of the best words she knew. Anthropomorphically? Quintessentially? Antidisestablishmentarianism?

"_Oh, Sephiroth," Aeris sighed wistfully and quintessentially, "Now we shall live together in paradise for all eternity."_

"_Oh, Aeris, my one true and undying love," sobbed Sephiroth, his strong silent façade crumbling due to his terrible remorse and antidisestablishmentarianism. "Will you ever forgive me for my horrible crimes?"_

_Aeris smiled sweetly, her warm emerald eyes looking into his piercing viridian orbs, and she caressed his handsome, rugged, and punctual face._

"_Don't worry, my darling," she uttered melodically, passionately, and anthropomorphically. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to kill me. It was…" Aeris paused. "Um, it was…Sephiroth, why did you do it again?"_

"_Oh, um…"_

Prudence Numbledinger began to sweat. Oh no, she was stuck! Don't panic, think! She hadn't actually played Final Fantasy VII in three years, and she couldn't really remember the plot of the game. She remembered that Sephiroth had spoken to Cloud in a flashback…then there was that cool FMV with all the fire…and wasn't there some whole messed up subplot about a Reunion and clones or something? But she couldn't remember _why_ Sephiroth had done all those things. It couldn't have been Sephy-chan's fault, could it have been? No, of course not! Sephiroth was hot. Hot people could not be evil.

"So whose fault was it?" Prudence asked out loud.

Then she heard a knock.

"I'm busy, Mom," she snapped. She hated her parents; they didn't understand her. They made her clean her room and wash the dishes, and she could never forgive them for having named her "Prudence".

She heard another loud banging sound. She turned around and saw that the noise had come from her closet. The door was shaking, and it looked like it was going to burst open at any second.

Although Prudence considered herself to be a deeply spiritual person, and was a firm believer in such things as ghosts, angels, poltergeists, and leprechauns, she had long ago stopped thinking that there were still monsters that lived in her closet. She began to get nervous.

"S-s-stay back!" she cried, trying her best to sound as menacing as possible. "Don't come out. I…I know yoga! That's a martial art!"

To her horror, the voice of an old man replied.

"Hey, young lady!"

And before Prudence could respond, the door to her closet flew off its hinges, and out popped an old man with no legs, floating in mid-air. He was accompanied by a red doglike creature, a giant robotic scorpion, about ten guys in blue Shinra uniforms, and a stuffed animal with a cat on its head.

"What are you people doing here," she spluttered. "This is my room!"

"I see you need some help."

"Wait, no I don't, I'm fine…"

"Ho Ho Hoooo, would you like me to tell you whose fault it is?"

Poor Prudence was on the verge of tears. Whose fault it was? Were they threatening her? What had she done to deserve this? Now more and more strange people were pouring in through the closet. A pale hunchback in a lab coat, a man with a huge sword and long black spiky hair, twelve scary-looking guys in black robes, a tall man with long silver hair wielding a dangerous sword…

Sephiroth.

Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Sephiroth! In a flash, all of Prudence's fears evaporated, and she was overcome with such a giddy euphoria that she began running around the room and letting out a high-pitched shriek much like the sound of a whistling kettle.

"Oh my God…SEPHIROTH! You're my idol!" She squealed. "You'll save me from those evil people. Can I have your autograph…"

Before she could continue, he whipped out his Masamune from its sheath and swished it down to within two inches of her neck. The smile vanished from her face.

"Don't you dare…" he growled. "How many times do I have to tell these stupid fangirls…I. Am. Not. Your. Boyfriend. Now stay back. BACK, I tell you. Demon, be gone!"

Huh? Now poor Prudence was very confused. What was the cast of Final Fantasy VII doing in her bedroom?

"Ho Ho Hoooo, don't be afraid, young lady," said the creepy old man. "My name is Bugenhagen. Does that ring a bell? No? Figures, no one ever remembers who I am. But you're stuck on your fanfic?"

"Well, yeah. I need a believable excuse for why Sephiroth torched a city, murdered Aeris, and tried to destroy the world with Meteor, yet suddenly becomes a wonderful human being. I don't want my Sephy-chan to be a bad guy."

At that comment, a young woman in a ridiculous pink dress snorted.

"Oh please," she scoffed. "You're writing an Aeriseph and you don't know the answer to that? Bugenhagen, this kid is hopeless. I want to go back to the house of the pubescent boy who wrote that Cloud/Zack lemon."

"Ho Ho Hoooo, oh, Aeris, dear, do not be so judgmental. It is not her fault if she has not been exposed to enough bad fanfiction. Now, young lady, since I am the omniscient wise man character who knows everything, would you like me to show you how it's done?"

For a second, Prudence stood there, speechless. She was talking to people she had always dreamed of meeting! They were helping her write her fanfic!

"Oh, uh, sure!"

Bugenhagen smiled. "Sephiroth, you do the honours."

Suddenly, Prudence's room began expanding to the size of an auditorium, and her bed turned into a giant stage. Dramatic military music began to play. Was it just her, or did the opening chords sound very…familiar?

All of the unexpected visitors, who now numbered at least a hundred, got up on the stage. Sephiroth took a few steps forward, grabbed a microphone in front of him, and began to sing:

Sephiroth: Times have changed  
Since you met me in Disc One.  
They've stopped developing my character,  
Now I just kill for fun!  
Barret: Should we blame the Shinra?  
Red XIII: Should we blame the Turks?  
Vincent: Or should we blame Hojo for being a jerk?

Bugenhagen: No, blame Jenova.

The twelve Sephiroth clones in black echoed Bugenhagen in tuneless monotone voices. "Blame Jenova," they chanted.

Lucrecia: With those beady little eyes  
She filled poor Seph's head full of lies.  
Clones: Blame Jenova  
Blame Jenova  
Bugenhagen: It doesn't have to make sense,  
Your readers are dense.

Hojo: Don't blame me  
If my son's social skills are poor.  
He heard those crazy voices  
And now he's summoning Meteor!

Zack: And my best friend Cloud  
Once had okay mental health,  
But now he pretends to be me and talks to himself!

Bugenhagen: Well, blame Jenova  
Sephiroth Clones: Blame Jenova  
Bugenhagen: It seems that everything's gone wrong  
Since Jenova came along.  
Clones: Blame Jenova  
Blame Jenova  
Aeris: She's not even a real Cetra anyway.

Now Aeris was fuming. "All right, it's my turn!" she screamed. "There's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a long time." She yanked the mike away from Bugenhagen.

Aeris: I could have been Cloud's girlfriend or helped kick Sephiroth's butt.  
But I'm lying underwater with a stab wound in my gut.  
Tifa: Should we blame my good looks?  
Yuffie: Should we blame the sword?  
Sephiroth: Actually, I just did it because I was bored.

"Shh…" hissed Bugenhagen. "You're not helping your case."

Aeris: Blame Jenova  
Clones: Blame Jenova  
Aeris: She's so damn ugly I could cry,  
So that means she's the real bad guy.  
Clones: Blame Jenova  
Blame Jenova

Prudence was getting the hang of this.  
"I guess I'll bash her in my fic  
Until readers get sick," she sang.

Cloud: My mother could have been here to join me in this rhyme.  
Instead she burned to death just like the rest of Nibelheim.  
Everyone: Should we blame the Materia?  
Should we blame the fire?  
Or her mental son for being such a liar?  
Cloud: Hey, watch it!

But before he could protest that he wasn't a liar, and that he really _had_ been in SOLDIER, one of his seizures came on, and he fell to his knees clutching his head and mumbling to himself about Sephiroth and the Reunion and skinned knees. No one else paid any attention to him, and continued singing.

Bugenhagen: Blame Jenova  
Blame Jenova  
Ifalna: With all that virus hullabaloo  
Hojo: And that bitch Ifalna too…OUCH!

Hojo ran off the stage as Aeris chased after him and began smacking him with her staff.

Clones: Blame Jenova  
Shame on Jenova  
Ohh…

Everyone: Say she warped his mind,  
Made him think he was God,  
Told him to be a cad,  
But now he feels bad.  
Go blame her for Seph's every whim,  
Before somebody thinks of blaming hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim!

And as five hundred NPCs, monsters, and random shopkeepers joined the cast and the chorus of Sephiroth clones in belting out the final dramatic "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim," Prudence burst into applause.

"That was fantastic," she cried. "Thank you! And wow, Sephiroth, I never knew you had such a good singing voice!"

"Oh," Sephiroth muttered, blushing. "Mother used to practice with me when we were together in the North Crater. She loved to hear me sing…Mother…" His eyes glazed over.

"Anyways," snapped Hojo. "I am a busy man, and I should not waste my time with you imbeciles. Come, Sephiroth, it's time for your…injections."

"Yes, sir," said Sephiroth meekly. The crowd shuffled out of the auditorium, and Prudence found herself back in her bedroom, sitting once again at her computer. She looked, and saw that the door to her closet was back firmly on its hinges, and her bed was made and as untouched as it had been before.

Had it all been nothing but a beautiful dream? Had she just been watching too much South Park? It didn't matter. What was important was that now she had an inspiration!

"_It wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to kill me. It was Jenova the whole time," whispered Aeris in a soothing voice._

"_Perhaps you're right," whimpered Sephiroth, letting out a sniffle. "She infected me with her evil virus powers, brainwashed me, bent my will by controlling the Jenova cells inside of me, and tortured me if I tried to abuse her. I thought she was the only one in the world who cared about me, so I let her manipulate me like a puppet. But all this time, every person I killed was like a knife in my heart. Oh, Aeris, can you ever forgive me?"_

_His tear ducts were exhausted from the misanthropic and alphanumeric fountain of salty aqua that they had released._

"_There, there. Of course I forgive you. That hideous alien was controlling you the whole time. Don't worry, because she can't hurt you any more. I'll protect you from that monster."_

As she typed, she could have sworn she felt something wrap around her leg…but maybe it was just her imagination.

She was deep in thought. What was a good synonym for "blue"…

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!"

* * *

Jenova licked her tentacles in delight. That fangirl had been tasty, the third one this week so far. 

She was tired of being the scapegoat all the time, but if they were going to bash her, then she might as well have some fun.

_-END-_


End file.
